love the job, hate the boss!
What can you do when your relationship with your boss is making you miserable and blocking your career progression?
Healthy relationships are essential in work and in life. They are what makes the world go round! If you are having problems with relationships at work, it can make you miserable, and even more so if that poor relationship is with your boss!
Being a Leader and Manager is an important, privileged and influential position. It may not always feel like that, but never underestimate that as a manager of people you will impact your employees' daily lives and you can influence their working life in a good or bad way.
Sadly, not all managers of people display the skills and qualities we know that make good leaders and their teams often suffer as a consequence
I recall my excitement about starting a new job as a manager, reporting to a director level within the business. I was keen, enthusiastic, and eager to learn the new role. Unfortunately, within a few days, I started to notice evidence that my leadership values and that of my boss were not exactly aligned! In fact, they were directly opposing!
My opinion was verified when someone within the business told me, “The only reason X will be looking at his laptop screen will be when he is following a horse race online or looking at porn”.
I was shocked, but thought this has got to be an exaggeration, surely? He is a director in a reputable business!
However, my working life became more difficult as time passed. I was asked to falsify facts in meetings with a business partner, which I refused. On another occasion, he threatened one of my junior staff with losing their job if they took too much sick leave. I attempted to discuss our differing perspectives; however, I could not see how we could work together with such opposing views of what leadership should be.
Others seemed to just accept his behaviour. He was in a director position and people were afraid to challenge him, being fearful of their jobs.
Clearly, the relationship was not going to work for me as I was being asked to compromise my key values of honesty and integrity. I survived 3 months and gave in my resignation!
Fortunately, that was one of the few extreme examples of poor leadership during my long career experience. Most of the managers I reported to over the years were shining lights of integrity, of various shades!
Nonetheless, it is a fact that one of the leading causes of dissatisfaction in the workplace is people who are not happy with their manager.
According to Officevibe.com, 75% of employees quit their job not because of pay issues but due to problems with their supervisors
There are many reasons why your relationship with your boss could be problematic:
Different Personality Types or Interests
Are you an introvert and your boss an extrovert? You like to spend weekends walking in the countryside and your boss is a social animal and likes partying. You seemingly have nothing in common.
Different Communication Styles
Perhaps, you are an open communicator and your boss is not. You present your business case backed up by data. Your boss listens to what John told him at the coffee machine, and John is your boss’s drinking buddy
Opposing Values
You work hard but value your free time and your boss expects you to be available 24/7
Conflicting Work Styles
You prefer to study information in detail before making a decision and your boss makes decisions quickly without considering the evidence
Underlying Emotions and Insecurities
You are efficient and effective at your job and your boss dislikes that as it reveals their insecurities, and your experience is seen as a threat
I could go on!
However, have you noticed you could use those conflict scenarios anywhere in life? The reality is that relationships in and out of work can be challenging, it is part of life!
It can, however, be even more challenging when the conflict is with your boss! They influence your pay grades, they conduct your reviews, and they can block your progression at work! They can make your life hell!
Consider what you can control and what you cannot control. You can control your actions and behaviour, but you cannot control the actions and behaviour of others. Do not waste your precious energy trying!
Your boss is in a position of seniority to you, has perhaps been in the company longer, and has the ear of Senior Leadership within the business. Decide to take responsibility for the situation and try to find a smart, intelligent solution to the issue.
Consider your options, some suggestions are below:
Be upfront with your boss
You may decide to try the direct approach and ask to discuss the situation with your boss. The effectiveness of this option depends on both personalities. Are you both emotionally intelligent enough to have this conversation without becoming aggressive, emotional, or defensive?
In my experience, few people are! However, if successful, you could gain new respect from your boss for having the strength of character to confront a challenging situation.
Be aware, there is also a power situation in this scenario and that means the scales are not balanced in your favour from the start of the conversation.
Ask yourself a few questions before considering this option:
Can you approach the subject without apportioning blame?
Can you remain open and detached without becoming emotional or frustrated?
Do you want to score points or achieve an amicable solution?
Are you open to any feedback, potentially negative?
Are you clear on the outcome you would like after the meeting?
Consider all the above questions also from the perspective of your boss.
DISC personality types
You may be already aware of DISC. This is a management assessment tool, which measures how a person naturally prefers to do things and interact with others. We are all a mixture of the defined characteristics, but we will have dominance in one or two areas
D is for Dominance - Direct/Decisive/Firm/Domineering/Forceful
I for Influence – Outgoing/Enthusiastic/Lively/Impulsive
S for Steadiness – Stable/Supportive/Patient/Humble/Tactful
C for Compliance – Cautious/Analytical/Precise/Reserved/Systematic
Once each person has assessed their type, DISC clarifies what communication and behaviour style works best when communicating with different types to you. It improves your awareness of how to effectively engage with others. For example, how should a predominantly “D” personality type communicate and engage with a predominantly “S” type for best results, and what language and behaviours to avoid when dealing with a predominantly “I” type?
In summary, if you are more aware of your DISC type and that of your boss, you can be guided to understand how best to communicate and what to avoid on both sides. It could be used as an open discussion with the aim of improving your relationship with your boss or any work relationship
Plan a recovery strategy
Be aware of the triggers in the relationship which initiate conflict conversations. For example, are you being too forceful with your language, which means the other person feels threatened and becomes defensive, or vice versa? Decide to be the bigger human and challenge yourself to strategise your plan to improve your relationship with your boss. There is no need to change your personality, but become more aware of how you can amend your behaviour and communication style to achieve a better outcome
Ask for feedback
Talk to others who know both of you to obtain a third-person perspective on the relationship. This obviously needs to be someone you can trust or maybe even HR in your business. Do not approach it as finger-pointing or blame exercise but as an opportunity to improve the situation. Demonstrate humility and be prepared to hear some things that you may not like about yourself which may be contributing to the problem
Detach yourself and try acceptance
Consider if you can detach yourself emotionally from the influence your boss is having on you at present. It could be that you are overthinking the situation. It could be that you are capable of accepting your boss the way they are by just detaching yourself from the impact.
This may be possible, however, you need to consciously choose this path. Think of it as a mindset shift
Exit strategy
You may have tried all or some of the above suggestions and it is still not working and you decide that it is time for you to leave.
Before making that final decision, it may be best to consult HR and formally log your concerns and reasons. They may be able to find another solution that does not require you to leave the business. It will be useful for you to get it off your chest and it should be useful for HR to know your perspective. Potentially, the situation could happen again or maybe it has happened already in the past with this particular manager
Whatever happens, ensure you remain professional. Keep working to your usual high standard and keep your head high as you hand in your resignation. Always leave on good terms! It is rarely worth going out all guns blazing, screaming at your boss and telling him exactly what you think of him! It may look good on TV, but will rarely help you in real life!
In summary, it is always better to try to improve a relationship than just to suffer in silence or to continue in conflict. There are, however, many ways to review a problem and many solutions to try before walking away!
A couple of quotes come to mind!
“Let’s try to build bridges not walls!”
(Martin Luther King, Jr.)
However,
“Sometimes walking away has nothing to do with weakness and everything to do with strength. We walk away not because we want others to realize our worth and value, but because we finally realize our own.”
(Robert Tew)